Parents Are Human: 5 Phases of Understanding Them Beyond Their Roles

Do you ever feel like you don't really know your parents beyond their role as caregivers?

It's easy to forget that they are human beings with their own life events, experiences, emotions, and struggles outside of their parenting duties.

Understanding your parents as individuals can help you build a deeper connection with them and improve your relationship.

It's important to remember that your parents had a life before you were born. They have their own interests, hobbies, and passions that they may have put on hold to raise you.

Taking the time to have deep conversations and learn about their past experiences and current interests can help you see them in a new light and appreciate them as individuals.

Additionally, it's important to recognize that your parents are not perfect. They may make mistakes, have bad days, and struggle with their own challenges.

Understanding and accepting their flaws can help you build a more compassionate and empathetic relationship with them.

By seeing your parents as ‘normal humans' rather than just parents, you can deepen your connection and create a more fulfilling relationship.

Phase 1: Discovering Who Our Parents Were Before Us

As children, we often view our parents as just that – parents. We see them as the people who raised us and took care of us throughout our lives.

However, it's important to remember that our parents are human beings with their own unique experiences and stories that shaped who they are today.

By taking the time to learn about their past, we can gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for who they are beyond their parental roles.

The Early Years That Shaped Them

Your parents' childhood experiences can have a significant impact on their development and parenting behaviors.

Understanding their upbringing can provide insight into why they may hold certain beliefs or values and how they approach parenting.

For example, my mom's childhood, marked by frequently moving back and forth between her maternal and paternal homes, significantly shaped her.

You can tell that these experiences molded her into the resilient, no-nonsense woman she is today and I have learned so much from her through the years.

Ask them easy questions, especially if they are immigrant parents, about their childhood—where they grew up, what their family was like, and what they enjoyed doing.

You might be surprised to learn about their hobbies, interests, and experiences that you never knew about before.

By listening to their stories, you can gain a better understanding of what they went through and how it shaped them into the people they are today.

I know that many people have a distant relationship with their parents because they can't relate to them outside of their role as parents.

I'm blessed with parents who love telling stories about how they grew up and their struggles coming to a new country.

They've shared how they had to give up some of their dreams to learn a new language and raise a family in a foreign country.

These stories have not only brought us closer but have also given me a profound appreciation for the sacrifices they made and the resilience they've shown.

Dreams and Aspirations Before Parenthood

Before becoming parents, your mom and dad had their own dreams and aspirations. They may have had career goals, travel plans, or personal hobbies that they put on hold to raise a family.

By learning about their past aspirations, you can gain a better understanding of what they sacrificed for you and your siblings.

Ask your parents about their dreams and aspirations before they became parents.

You might be surprised to learn about their passions and interests that they never had the chance to pursue.

By understanding their past goals and aspirations, you can gain a deeper appreciation for their sacrifices and the hard work they put in to provide for their family.

Overall, taking the time to learn about your parents' past can help you better understand and appreciate who they are beyond their parental roles.

By listening to their stories and experiences, you can gain a deeper appreciation for the sacrifices they made and the hard work they put in to raise a family.

Phase 2: Parents Are Human: Their Challenges and Triumphs

As a parent, you face a multitude of challenges and triumphs that shape your life.

It's important to remember that you are human, and it's okay to experience setbacks and obstacles along the way.

Overcoming Life's Obstacles

Life can throw unexpected curveballs at any moment, and parents are not immune to this reality.

Whether it's financial struggles, health issues, or relationship problems, you may find yourself facing difficult situations that can take a toll on your mental health and well-being.

However, it's important to remember that you are resilient and capable of overcoming these obstacles.

Seeking support from loved ones or professional resources can help you navigate these challenges and emerge stronger on the other side.

Were you lucky enough to have parents who shared stories from the “olden days”? We all know those tales, often told with a hint of humor and nostalgia, about having to trek five miles just to fetch a bucket of water.

These stories about how hard they had it, contrasted with how good we have it now, might be chuckled upon, but they hold deep value.

They not only speak of resilience and perseverance but also make our parents even more endearing to us as they recount their experiences and life lessons.

Celebrating Their Successes in Parenting

Parenting is a rewarding yet challenging journey, and it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your successes along the way.

Whether it's witnessing your child reach a new milestone, receiving recognition for your parental dedication, or simply taking time for self-care, recognizing these moments is vital.

Celebrating these achievements can significantly boost your mental health and overall well-being.

It serves as a heartfelt reminder that your hard work and dedication as a parent are seen and appreciated.

Parenting comes with its unique set of challenges and triumphs, emphasizing the importance of seeing yourself as a capable and resilient individual.

Prioritize your mental health, celebrate your parenting victories big and small, and remember to seek support when needed.

This proactive approach not only enriches your parenting experience but also models positive behavior for your children.

Phase 3: The Evolving Relationship with Our Parents

As you grow older, the way you see and interact with your parents changes. They become more than just authority figures – they're individuals with their own lives, thoughts, and feelings.

Understanding your parents beyond their roles as caregivers can deepen your relationship, making it richer and more meaningful.

Seeing Parents Change Over Time

As we all navigate through life’s stages, our parents are right there alongside us, facing their own set of changes.

They might be adjusting to retirement, dealing with becoming empty nesters, or managing health challenges. It can be tough to watch them get older, but it’s so important to be empathetic and supportive as they adapt to these new chapters.

Adolescence can be a tricky time, too. As you start figuring out who you are and pushing for independence, it’s natural for some conflicts to creep up.

It’s good to remember that your parents are adjusting to this new phase in your relationship just like you are.

They might need a little time to get used to seeing you grow up and become more of your own person.

Stages of Understanding Our Parents

As our relationship with our parents grows, it often moves through several key phases: idolizing, demonizing, and humanizing.

Each phase represents a different way we see and interact with them:

Idolizing Our Parents: When we’re little, our parents often seem like superheroes. They’re the protectors, the providers, and the problem solvers. They seem to have all the answers and can do no wrong. During this stage, we look up to our parents with a lot of admiration and see them as perfect.

Demonizing Our Parents: As we grow into our teenage years and early adulthood, we start to see that our parents aren’t perfect after all. This shift might seem sudden. As we try to figure out our own identities, we might start to see every flaw in our parents more clearly. We might find ourselves disagreeing with their decisions, questioning their authority, and sometimes even blaming them for the tough times we face. This stage can be filled with tension and criticism as we come to terms with the fact that our parents have limitations just like everyone else.

Humanizing Our Parents: Over time, we come to understand that our parents, like all people, are complex and imperfect. This understanding usually grows as we face our own challenges and make our own mistakes. We start to empathize with their struggles and appreciate all they have done for us. We begin to accept them as real people with their own stories, fears, and dreams.

Psychological theories suggest that these changes in how we see our parents are a normal part of growing up.

As we get older, we move from seeing our parents through a child's idealizing lens to seeing them in a more balanced and realistic way.

This shift is important for our own emotional development.

Many of us can remember times when we began to see our parents differently.

For instance, I watched my father struggle to balance his role as a family man with his aspirations of pursuing chieftaincy, often traveling between two continents to fulfill his duties while our mom held down the fort.

What initially felt like a letdown, I later understood as an important lesson in resilience and humility.

Sometimes, what we perceive as selfish actions can in some cases actually be efforts to build a meaningful legacy for future generations.

By actively navigating these stages, we not only understand our parents better but also learn to build a richer, more compassionate relationship that recognizes them as the full individuals they are.

Lessons Learned from Our Parents

Your parents have likely taught you many important lessons throughout your life, from how to tie your shoes to navigating complex situations.

Their guidance has been instrumental in shaping who you are today. It’s also crucial to recognize that they aren’t perfect and have made their share of mistakes.

Understanding your parents' experiences and perspectives helps develop greater empathy and acceptance. 

According to attachment theory, a strong emotional bond between parent and child is essential for healthy development.

Strengthening this bond not only enriches your relationship but also enhances your overall well-being.

One thing I've also noticed, maybe also since becoming a parent, is that parents are remarkably similar across the globe.

Initially, I thought certain behaviors were unique to Ghanaian parents, then perhaps a broader African parent trait.

Over time, however, I've come to see these as universal parenting qualities. For instance, the strict rules, high expectations, protectiveness, and the ever-present “it's for your own good” approach are not just localized cultural practices but are shared by parents worldwide.

These behaviors are all part of the universal strategies parents use to guide, protect, and prepare their children for the future.

As you grow older, your view of your parents will mature. By seeing them as individuals beyond just their roles as caregivers and learning from their life experiences, you develop a more meaningful relationship that continues to evolve with time.

Phase 4: Engaging in Meaningful Conversations with Parents

As you grow older, you also start to see your parents as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Engaging in meaningful conversations with them can help you build a deeper connection and understanding beyond their parental roles. Here are some tips on how to start and maintain those conversations.

Starting the Dialogue With Parents

Starting a conversation with your parents can be intimidating, especially if you're not used to talking about personal topics. Here are some ways to break the ice:

• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of asking yes or no questions, ask questions that encourage your parents to share their thoughts and feelings. For example, “How do you feel about your job?” or “What was it like growing up in your hometown?”
• Share your own experiences: Sharing your own experiences can help your parents feel more comfortable opening up to you. For example, if you're struggling with a difficult decision, you could say, “I'm not sure what to do. Have you ever been in a similar situation?”
• Find common ground: Look for topics that you both enjoy talking about, such as a shared hobby or interest. This can help you establish a connection and make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

Building a Deeper Connection

Once you've started the conversation, here are some ways to keep it going and build a deeper connection with your parents:

• Practice active listening: Active listening means paying attention to what your parents are saying, asking follow-up questions, and showing empathy. This can help your parents feel heard and understood.
• Show empathy: Empathy means putting yourself in your parents' shoes and trying to understand their perspective. You can show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and validating their experiences.
• Offer parental support: Even though you're no longer a child, your parents still need your support from time to time. Whether it's helping them with a task or just listening to their problems, offering support can strengthen your relationship and show your parents that you care.

Remember, building a deeper connection with your parents takes time and effort.

By practicing these tips, you can create a stronger relationship that goes beyond just their parental roles.

This is key to bridging generational gaps, as we apply these principles in our own family too.

My husband is the storyteller in our home, and the kids often go up to him, eager to hear about his adventures during his boarding school days, especially those at Adisco College (“play up”).

He delights in sharing these stories, especially those that are great conversational starters for deeper discussions.

We believe in removing any barriers that might make our children hesitate to come to us with their questions or stories.

By maintaining open and engaging communication from a young age, we hope to create an environment where, as they grow older, they'll feel comfortable discussing anything with us.

This openness ensures that they know we're always ready to listen, share, and offer our perspectives, just as we enjoy hearing theirs.

It's about building trust and comfort that helps close the generational gaps and lasts a lifetime.

Phase 5: The Importance of Recognizing Parents as Individuals

It is vital to understand that parents are more than just caregivers; they are human beings with their own needs, desires, and struggles.

Recognizing parents as distinct individuals beyond their roles helps us appreciate and respect their decisions.

This perspective has deepened for me personally since becoming a parent and experiencing how easy it is to become absorbed solely in that role.

Acceptance of parents as full individuals is crucial. We must acknowledge and embrace the unique qualities and characteristics that define each parent, which goes a long way in improving relationships and building trust.

“Each person's life is lived as a series of conversations.” – Deborah Tannen

Parenting behaviors are often shaped by personal experiences, cultural backgrounds, and societal norms.

By understanding these influences, we can better understand their parenting styles and be their support system.

Each parent has their own personality, interests, and goals. Celebrating these differences not only strengthens our relationships with them but also enriches the community we build together.

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